The So Called Life Of AppleBoy

So there is a time in my life where I know I was happy and everything was right.  That was back in 2000.  I had a job that I loved and it was a job I figured I would be at for a long time.  I am one of those people that music has a impact on.  I use music to remember times and feelings of my life.  There is this one song that brings on a rush like no other and it is from 2000.  It is Janet Jackson’s “Doesn’t Really Matter”.  I am not sure why this one song brings this rush.  When I hear it being the analytical person I am I find myself trying to figure out why this song does this to me.  So tonight the movie that this song was on was playing on Starz.  The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps.  Of course I hear a segment of the song during the movie then the full version during the ending credits.  Now I am sitting here typing this with tears rolling down my face because I think I know what the missing link is or at least pieces of it are.

1. My friends from North Carolina which have been my true friends from day one and love me for me!

2.  My family which is no longer just down the road.

3.  I loved where I lived.  Charlotte NC is and will always be near and dear to my heart.

4.  I loved the job where I was before being fired because I was gay.  Now don’t get me wrong I LOVE MY CURRENT JOB!  It tops the first job but there was still something special about it.

5. The part that I think has been missing my dad!  Yes, I am pretty sure that is the next missing part of the equation.

Now to understand this I will explain why I think this is it.  In 2000 I was just coming out as gay.  I known for a long time but I was ready to come out.  During this time I was loved by my father.  While not close we talked and I knew he was there.  I was gay and my father loved me and talked to me.  That part is what is key!  HE LOVED ME AND I WAS HIS SON.  If you have read my blog you will know that when I came out to my family my dad told me hated me and that he wanted nothing to do with me.  I suddenly not only lost a job because I was gay I lost my dad!  All this loss just because I was gay.  Now for some reason I don’t think I will ever be my fathers son anymore.  I cannot be what he wants me to be.  Instead he has a gay son with HIV that for nearly 9 years has been searching for someone to step up to the plate and by my father.  I guess I have stopped praying that God will make things right between my dad.  I know that even if we did start talking again I am not sure the pain or the wounds will go away.  It really makes one feel lost hurt and incomplete.  I guess in someways I know what it is like to lose a father.  So amazingly enough I think I finally know what my problem is and why the year 2000 is a time when I honestly felt the most happy and felt the most complete.  It is amazing what coming out of the closet can do.  Do I wish that I lived in the closet?  Hell no but damn it I want my cake and I want to eat it too!  So I guess this is now my annual Fathers Day entry even though it is a little early but I could not help the rush of emotions I get when I hear that song and my brain constantly trying to figure out why it makes me feel like I do.  Someday I hope to feel complete again but I not sure that will happen because of this one large wound in my heart my father gave me.  Till then I will keep on living a semi empty life without my father and lean on the father figures that I have stepped in his place.